When in doubt, choose joy

I had a total meltdown today. The ball of uncertainty, loneliness, hurt and pain kept playing football in my body and tears just continued to roll down my face with no pause. I don’t know why I am so entangled and can’t seem to find a way out. The slowness of it all is hurting me. I have no patience with myself and it messes with me.

In order to distract myself, I started watching Chesapeake Shore. One of the characters, Sarah, is struggling. She is again pregnant after having a miscarriage earlier. Her fear of losing this baby again is real; she is scared and hence unable to share this good news with friends and family. However, one of her sisters-in-law, Abby, is aware of her pregnant status. Abby and Sarah were having a talk, and Abby empathised with Sarah and suggested, “When in doubt, choose joy.”

Somehow, this stuck in my brain. I kept thinking about what makes me choose joy, what makes me want to be this miserable, what makes me crave one thing which I can’t have or control.

I don’t want to be unhappy and this miserable and emotionally entangled with people. I want to open my wings and fly free in the open skies, feeling the breeze on my skin and experiencing joy to the fullest.

Universe, please send me some positive vibes and the courage to choose joy every single day!

Meredith Grey Says

I sincerely wish I had the courage to decide if this is the life I want to live or if this is the person I want to love. Whenever I want to make a decision, I am scared and there is a panic feeling as I don’t know of any other way to live life, nor do I know who I want to be with.

But, yes, I am choosing to be kinder, more compassionate, and stronger for myself, and hopefully, this will help me decide about the rest as well.

-wadeacross

Taoist Proverb

It hit home hard and made so much sense. We need stillness to reflect and to see ourselves clearly.

I was at an Ayurvedic treatment centre for 10 days to get treated for my food allergies, an autoimmune condition, which was worsening by the day. I was connected to the world, but mostly alone too. The therapies tired me out so much that I slept almost all the time.

There were days I cried while the therapy went, hyperventilated, had panic attacks. As days went by, I realised I was lighter both in body and mind. I was smiling more, quieter and even though I distracted myself a lot with Insta reels, I was feeling less anxious.

I am looking forward to carrying this undefined bliss with me for a few months. My gratitude to my family and universe is immense for supporting me.

In a bubble

After my last conversation with him, it seems like there is some sort of bubble or trans I am in. It’s a strange, undefined head space, like my mind knows this is just a momentary quietness and there is something waiting to hit me.

It could be my brain’s preparing me to not get into my comfort zone. This is all an illusion. I opened up to him and called his bullshit on the way he had been behaving. He apologised and said he would try and do better. It all seems like this is just him pacifying me so that I don’t move away. Or maybe it might change the way he is with me. Everything is unknown and hazy in this bubble of time and space.

A sort of re-wiring is happening in this bubble where I am distant and detached. The way he is communicating with me feels very phoney and false.

It just takes more patience with myself and the situation to give me time to move in a direction that will bring me peace and calm, even if it is slowly and gradually.

Detach

I can’t think of any other way to survive this pain and move forward in my life. Hurting and crashing can’t happen anymore. I don’t like myself when I go through it. My body is disintegrating and my mind is unsettled, I cry in despair that why am I not able to be this person who isn’t hurt by what he is doing.

Talking to him last night without being triggered brought some peace. Things which I wanted to tell him objectively preserving the space of love, truth, care, and everything. The connect is still there, but truly I am not ready to get entangled in his life.

I have mine to live. I want to explore life, experience it without this constant worry or thought what is he upto, without feeling less of myself if I don’t match upto being the woman he needs me to be. I know I struggle with validation, but I also know I am unique, one of its kinds of woman who is fiercely loyal, loves, cares deeply, protects and nutures her loved ones, giving, creative, intelligent with a high emotional quotient.

When my therapist says I am strong, I feel she is saying it to make me feel better. I can be down and under and sulk but ultimately I get better and I cope.

Detach and move forward. I hope the way I am feeling right now, I feel in the days to come and I don’t let jealousy, insecurity disturb my peace of mind.

Hurting and crashing can’t happen anymore. I don’t like myself when I go through it. My body is disintegrating and my mind is unsettled. I cry in despair that why am I not able to be this person who isn’t hurt by what he is doing?

Talking to him last night without being triggered brought some peace. Things which I wanted to tell him objectively to preserve the space of love, truth, care, and everything. The connection is still there, but truly, I am not ready to get entangled in his life.

I have mine to live fully. I want to explore life, experience it without this constant worry or thought of what he is up to, without feeling less of myself if I don’t measure up to being the woman he needs me to be.

I know I struggle with validation, but I also know I am unique, one of a kind of woman who is fiercely loyal, loves, cares deeply, protects and nurtures her loved ones, giving, creative, intelligent with a high emotional quotient.

When my therapist says I am strong, I think she is saying it to make me feel better. I have been down and under more times than I ever thought was possible. The abyss is huge. I judge myself all the time, and I am disappointed in myself more than in others. That is probably one of the reasons I do not want to make a choice I know I will not be able to follow through. I will keep invalidating myself as being perfect and in control is the only way I know to live life.

Detach and move forward.I can’t think of any other way to survive this and be happy in my life. 

I hope I continue to feel this sorted and non anxious as I am feeling right now and don’t let jealousy or insecurity disturb my peace of mind.

I am broken yet again

I have not been able to write. For the first time in a long time, it happened that I was not able to write. I didn’t want to put down what I was feeling and going through. The pain, the anger, and the hurt were too much to assimilate and express.

I thought we were on a road to rebuilding after last year; our relationship was moving to a place of some sort of balance in spite of all the ups and downs and his polyamorous status and different partners in his life. What I wasn’t prepared for was to run into one unexpectedly. The suddenness of it just put me in a zone of deep hurt and pain. What was probably in my thoughts was right there in front of me in reality.

When I told him, his response, apathy towards my pain, and lack of compassion all put me in a spot where I wanted to just lash out and burn. I kept trying to make him understand how important it is for me to have a special place for love. I can’t be just one of the many women in his life. I want him to express his love and be in love with me.

He says he can’t. He can’t give in to the feeling of being in love with me, as it brings up so much possessiveness, depth of emotion, and everything along with it.

And now I am at that decision point: to accept and make peace with whatever he can give us or walk away from one of the most beautiful loves of my life. I have many friends and people I care about, but I am not in a relationship with anyone like this.

I am hurting and in pain. Talking to my therapist made me realize I am not ready to go “cold turkey” on him yet and cut it off completely, but I do need to break the relationship and start treating him like someone I like and care about.

In my view, he is family, and one doesn’t walk away from family, and that could be one of the reasons I have been making so much effort and compromising and walking this path with him.

He won’t change. He needs to prove that he is someone who can change the way relationships work and be a living example of making polyamory work. His dream is fantastic, but is it real? I feel as soon as someone opens up and is vulnerable, they need a deeper connection and a sense of security from that relationship. How many of those can one manage? Maybe he can manage the multitude. What I feel is that he is running away from facing his loneliness; in his quest to prove something, he wears a mask of a person who is likable and lovable and knows what to say and when, but someone I don’t recognize anymore.

“He who was my calm has become my storm”. What is left there to look forward to? More disappointment? There is only so much my heart, mind, body, and soul can take and survive.

I am sinking and swimming in this feeling of despair, and I really wish I could swim this one through.

An Untitled Poem

as I sit 
one memory after another plays
of times goneby

hours spent talking
opening our hearts out fully
long intimate conversations

tender loving touches
unbridled passion and desire
kept flames burning

and I wonder
what was missing from us
love, care, space

was it those
words of anger and pain
that caused this

was it me 
or you or us responsible
for this destruction

was it natural
change of situation and people 
lead to love altered

I muster courage
to heal wounds and hurt
to move on

BUT.....

heart still looks
beats for you as strongly
waits in hope

-wadeacross ( day 30/731)

On the brink of a change

As much as I hate uncertainty in life, I also abhor change, especially if it is dependent on my decisions. At the moment, I am going through a transition period. My relationship with my spouse, my relationship with him, my work situation, the eco system of the home, just about everything is changing. And I am suffering. I am going through physical pain, anxiety, hurt, bouts of crying, and a super low phase. It is horrible in every way possible.

I have always run away from pain and change. I want to step away from making the hard decisions and let them happen naturally. It’s probably not the best way to live, but that’s how I am able to cope and be okay.

My therapist suggested that I think about de-complicating my life to be at peace. I am managing too much and even though I am, I am not feeling emotionally fulfilled or happy. All of this is taking a toll on me as I am not me with anyone. I need to let go and lighten up.

Being with him, having this deep emotional connection with him, expecting more than he can give, wanting to have things be back to what they were before I spoiled them, or wanting him to be more considerate towards me-is not helping me.

As I sit and ponder the decision to let him go, I am falling apart. It feels like I am going to cut off part of myself, which seems easier to do.

I admire those who are able to go through such decisions more surgically, able to survive and come out broken but sane. For that matter, I admire him for being able to do so too. Ironically, I was there with him every step of the way to support the transition, holding him while he grieved, assisting him when he couldn’t think straight, or simply being there for him as he navigated his way back to being himself.

Today, as I am sitting at a similar crossroad, my heart longs to be loved; to be supported; to be given time and attention; to be cared for in the same way that I care for those I love; to be unreasonable. It breaks into a million pieces when, on looking around, I find myself lonely, alone, and disappointed. As my therapist says, build yourself to give these to you. No-one can do that. But it doesn’t help. I’m still looking for that connection, I still desire that care, and I still hope that I will get those.

Universe, will you be able to help me here? Are my wishes too unreasonable? As someone said, the possibilities are endless, so please make this possible.

-wadeacross (day 29/731)

100th Post – gratitude and awe

Wade Across Life celebrates its first milestone, and my heart is full and tears are ready to spill. This is also my 100th post here. Each of the blog posts on wade across life is a piece of my heart. Nothing is fiction; it’s all about my journey of survival and healing and putting myself back together piece by piece over the last 365 days. I am in gratitude to the universe and in awe that I made it this far.

As I look back, I wouldn’t have survived if I hadn’t had the courage that night to start this blog. The anonymity kept me going and let me open my heart without any fear of judgement or censure.

I shared a few posts with my therapist, and I was sharing with her how low I sounded in almost all of those. But she said, do you realise that the ending or conclusion of your posts has a solution, or hope, or is a step forward? Hence, keep writing your heart out. Healing is not a linear journey. At times, just moving is important.

Sharing your pain makes it easier to bear, and I realise it now. I naturally reach out to writing when I am low and I need to make sense of the chaos in my mind and heart. When my heart is so overwhelmed and I am feeling lonely and alone, I know that I don’t want to share it with anyone, but I will write it here.

Thank you to everyone—bots, WordPress, and the algorithms, as well as real people who read, like, and occasionally comment on my posts.

On a lighter note, I hoped that I would reach the magic number of 100 followers this year, but I am short of some 23,which is in sync with the date I reserved this domain. But I am happy with whatever I have at this present moment.

I hope I will be able to write better, write more and continue to tread this path courageously.

read my posts and just have been there.

My heart is full and tears are ready to spill as I pen this today.

-wadeacross (24/731)

Phoenix – a poem penned for me

Tired eyes and a worn smile, darling, you need to sleep,

The love you wear tender needs to live till the end,

Your heart is just an ornament, some put it on a mantle,

few look at with resentment, for your vibrancy is so eloquent,

the walk of fire you tread on, is a road less travelled,

You, my love, are one of the sentient beings I have known,  

have the gift of experience and wisdom uncaged,

Phoenix has the strength to be reborn, the spirit of a fighter with the sun shining on

bring out the Phoenix in you, with wings to fly and live bedazzled 

-for wadeacross with love

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