Category: womanhood

August

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Last Saturday of April

It has been a strange day. Not unusual, but strange. Maybe there is too much quiet as my parents are travelling. Or it is the emptiness of the dinner table with my son and husband out for dinner with their friends. Or it could be the absence of the to-do list or the news of the demise of a young friend with whom I have lost touch.

This last Saturday of April brings with it a sense of changing times and what is to come. I hope I keep sane and don’t lose myself in the anxiety of whatif. Life will keep spinning, and soon May will come, and with it, my long-lost sister’s 40th birthday. A day that I had planned to celebrate in so many ways, and today I haven’t even spoken to her in the last 3 years, not hugged her, seen her, or even heard her voice, teasing me, getting angry, or just calling me randomly.

My heart yearns for her in ways I can’t explain. She was the first baby I held, and being only 3.5 years younger than me, I have loved her forever. Truly and deeply. She doesn’t understand my love and care for her, and even today, with her cutting off all ties with us, she has a piece of it and will always have one.

Today, I wish her a very happy birthday, well in advance, so that the universe can carry it and deliver my message, love, wishes, and hugs to her on time. Seven seas is a long way to go, and I don’t want to be late.

Happy Birthday, darling sis. I love you. I pray that someday soon you will find it in your heart to come looking for us, your family, who loves and misses you every day.

my unrealistic desire

waking up each day, looking through the glass window

hearing the chirping of the birds from nearby trees

slowly, with the sun rising, the once-silent streets

soon hustle and bustle with activity

sound of life, movement, breath filling the senses

you smile, you breathe, and there is a small catch

Oh! something is missing from your soul, your body

an ease of being the person, the woman you are,

you yearn for a connection, a fulfilment beyond ordinary

when expressing your thoughts is as easy as the rising of the sun

when patriarchy doesn’t drive your decisions

if you find the courage to follow your wishes,

you don’t drown in immense guilt and self-deprecation

you don’t have to explain to everyone why you chose to work

or you are deemed selfish, to laugh, to smile and to be easy

you don’t want these thoughts to plague you, eat you incessentaly 

forcing you to formulate imaginary situations and solutions

because what you do, who you are isn’t in line with the world’s view

of a married woman, a mother, a daughter, or a daughter-in-law

wade across

Toxic Workplace

I haven’t been able to write for a week, and that has made me edgy and ready to burst. There were these unexpressed emotions and thoughts that kept pulling me in different directions, making it tough to function.

Multiple things have been happening since March started, but the biggest impact has been the slide down on my work front. I have always sought solace in my work. It is where I am just me, a techie and nerdy woman who codes and revels in the high it brings. I am not identified as a mom, wife, lover, daughter, or any other role I play in other spheres of life.

I am not a very ambitious person, but I enjoy being a working woman. Over the years, I have made peace with the fact that even if I am learning slowly or not climbing the heights of the professional world, I am not stagnant. I have made my mark in some form or another, even if that ecosystem is a small one.

I recently moved jobs and was pretty excited about working for a startup, even though it meant long work hours and more commute time. But over the past few weeks, I have realized the leadership here has a very high need to control and dictate terms, leaving very little breathing space for those who work here. It is becoming insanely toxic, where we just come and spend time living in fear and apprehension of the mood swings of the CEO.

With the job market where it is at the moment, there aren’t many options but to find a way to deal with this toxicity. I don’t crumble under the pressure until I find a new job. The fear of being at home, not making money, and being independent, even if for a short time, is making me restless, anxious, and suffocated.

Is a healthy workplace still a luxury and not a necessity even in these times?

How much effort does it take for anyone to be humane and treat others with empathy and an open heart?

When we spend a good 12 hours at work, it becomes as essential a part of our life as our home. If there is no peace, respect, or trust there, it becomes next to impossible to give your 100%. Each one of us has lives that have multiple touch points that may or may not be good and positive. At the end of the day, an employer or a leader who leads from the heart and genuinely cares about and treats people with respect is the one we all want to work for and won’t mind going the extra mile when needed.

Accepting Change

Click to Visit the Poet’s Page

Today is that kind of day, when I am feeling restless and unsettled, knowing that there is huge change waiting to happen. I don’t want to accept it, as I know the moment I do, it will become a reality. a reality I don’t want to live. I am resisting this change in my mind and in my body.

Reading this somehow made me feel better. an affirmation of sorts that change can be good too. Life will change, and that is okay, and if not at this moment, it will work out eventually.

I just need to take a deep breath and let the feeling pass.

Judging myself for feeling what I am feeling won’t help. I am not a bad person for feeling this, and I need to be kind to myself. Those of you who have been reading my journey all this while might have an idea of how much I hate and resist changes and cannot handle uncertainty.

This time, I am determined not to fall into the same thinking pattern and to keep an open and positive mindset about this change and to embrace it with an open mind. Have faith that change can be bountiful too, and I will survive and manage it.

she in the now

all she wanted was a part of sun

cherishing her with love and fun

hoping that life won’t begrudge

for her choices, paths, and soft touch

how can she now go on with trust

when all that she believed in went bust

maybe she asked for too much

and here she stands, alone, slumped

now her heart and should are shut

to feel, to love, to trust and to adjust

wade across

Food Allergies

Way back in 2020, I was diagnosed with food allergies. Food items that I had enjoyed since childhood had now become my adversaries. It has been a constant struggle to cope. The allergic reaction has been getting worse. I start itching, and if an antidote isn’t taken, the intensity increases.

Tomatoes, split chickpeas, and groundnuts are such ubiquitous items in Indian cooking that they are impossible to avoid, so I end up eating them unknowingly. As I age, apparently, my body is constantly in stress mode; hence, the allergic reaction is also getting aggressive. It began on December 31 and is still ongoing.

Explaining my eating habits and restrictions and being on high alert for what the ingredients are all add to my sense of isolation, loneliness, and despair.

Currently, I am on an ayurvedic treatment that involves eating almost 15 medicines a day to detox my system. It has been six months, and it doesn’t feel like there is light anywhere. I started weaning off of these medicines, but this last episode has put me back to almost the beginning.

There are days, like today, when I struggle more than usual. I am feeling exceptionally low and dull. It feels like I am sinking into this pit hole with no way out. Maybe my hormones are also playing havoc with me as I am sitting in the middle of PMS.

I love being a woman, and I am all for womanhood, but just sometimes, it feels too much to handle and cope with. I wish it were easier for women, healthier for women, and less intimidating for women to age.

December – My Birthday Month

The last month of the year is here. Incidentally, it is also my birthday month, which brings with it mixed emotions. a sense of accomplishment for surviving 11 months and apprehension at the same time about what the coming new year will bring along with it and whether I will be ready to live it.

I was in a terrible place a year ago and was solely concerned about how I was going to make it. Even the smallest thought of who, where, and what I was doing in 2021 at this time gives me chills. I’m incredibly grateful to the universe. It surrounded me with people, events, and situations that supported me in reconstructing myself and leading me to where I am today and

I can laugh without bursting into tears,

I can function without trauma hitting me deep,

I can breathe deep without gasping,

I can sleep without nightmares

I can hope that maybe things will fall in place

This December, in addition to celebrating, hanging out with friends, and having fun, I hope to take some time to pause, reflect, rejoice, and be grateful for the good or not-so-good things that happened.

Make an effort to write something here, my safest place in this world, every day this month.

I also reaffirm that I will prioritize myself and not give up on rebuilding myself in whatever situation.

And that will be my birthday present to myself.

Rebuilding Myself

Everything was haywire and all over the place at my end. My work was changing; there were huge stressful situations, and among all that, I felt a huge gap between us. My calls went unanswered, and messages were ignored. I tried discussing; I even fought, reasoned, and argued, but there was no change.

I was again labelled as needy, having many expectations, always fighting, and obviously an unnecessary appendage. This was so you—a behavior pattern when there is a new love interest in your life.

I felt pain, hurt, and anger, but this time I didn’t want to fall apart because of you and cause a catharsis. I couldn’t speak to my therapist either, not by choice but by chance. I deflected and distracted myself constantly. All the chaos and the activity around me helped. At the end of the day, I was so tired that I didn’t feel a thing, and I crashed.

From talking to friends, falling ill, getting involved in family, enjoying my time alone, connecting with new people, and reaffirming every day that I will not be vulnerable anymore and that I will not lose myself in the so-called feeling of love, I put pieces of myself back together.

Fifteen days ago, there was a sudden expression of love and a morning poetic message in my inbox. It was a pleasant surprise, and I kind of liked it too. I enjoyed reconnecting with you, only to discover the day before that you had been lying to me all this time and hiding behind the facade of a crazy work schedule and travel.

I tried to control my anger and reaction, but it was hard. We ended up arguing and fighting last evening. As usual, I was the one to blame for you not being honest with me, as you didn’t feel safe enough to share the truth; I was the one shouting and being unreasonable.

You accepted that you fucked up, apologized, and wanted me to forgive you. You don’t want to lose me; you want me in your life; that’s what you said, right? self-centered to the core.

I asked you yesterday: didn’t our love deserve a chance to be rebuilt? You said it did. Past tense, right?

Are you ready to make an effort and rebuild? No answer.

What are you offering and what’s on the table this time? I am the one putting conditions on this and making this a transaction.

As the sun dawned today morning, it also dawned on me that I don’t want to rebuild anything with you. I want to just continue to rebuild myself bit by bit, piece by piece, every day.

I am so grateful that the universe answered my calls for help and softly treaded me on this path without me realizing that one day, when you will fuck up again, I will need this strength to stand my ground and not fall apart.

-wadeacross

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