Living in Fear

constant living in fear

has become my thing

there is a world of fear inside me

from uncertainty of people

to unexpected turn of situations

to unknowns of the world

and more often than not

fear of my own reactions

to all the uncertain, unknown

oh! i want to do a victory dance

the day i find a way to

conquer this deep rooted fear

the fear which makes me give in

holds me back from saying

tangles me in its clutches

when all i want is

to walk away from things, people, situation

to nurture my crazy musings

to let my heart run wild and free

wade across

My response to the daily writing prompt

Daily writing prompt

Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

View all responses

Sinking or Swimming

As I stand today, again in the middle of life’s happenings, I am not able to fathom where I am headed. I am treading these uncertain territories with scepticism and apprehension. At times, I feel like it is my destiny to always be in the middle of chaos.

I see people around me who have such stable, calm thought processes, and they are able to be who they want to be, find balance and peace in life, or if not that, go through the motions of life with ease. A strange feeling comes up for me at that moment.

I live in constant fear of the present and the future. Maybe because my actions never sit well with anyone, and that makes me judge myself. The concept of right and wrong is so skewed in my mind that I can feel myself sinking into the perils of pain and invalidation when I spend time on that.

How do I find my centre? My need to be perfect for everyone makes it so tough. I was talking to someone, and I shared that I feel I am not strong enough to take tough decisions and cut people off. Walking away as a concept is not something I can understand, and hence I have difficulty applying it in my life.

What was suggested was that when we disengage—emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This gradual disengagement is as noticeable as walking away, sends the same message, and sets a boundary too, especially in a confused or conflicted situation.

Somehow, that made some sense to me and helped me calm down.

The clueless me is still clueless about where my actions and doings are leading me—sinking or swimming. I am determined not to give up and to keep myself nimble enough to not break and crash.

Universe! I hope you are listening, holding me safe, and not dishing out more than I can handle, because even an elastic can only stretch and accommodate that much before it breaks.

Sad

here am I again

uncentered and anxious

unsure of the way forward

knowing I am giving in

resenting the way it is

compromising once more

to make peace with what I have

to tell myself to not hope for more

how weak I feel

emotionally to be this woman

always taking the easier way

to keep pain at bay

wishing I was a better

courageous and stronger

to make the hard choice

not reason and convince myself

to give in, to let go, to breathe

wade across

Unsure

Unsure of the path I am on,

Unsure of people in my life,

Unsure of my state of being,

Unsure whether it is on or it is off,

Unsure of asking or not asking,

Unsure of what to hold on to and what to let go

Unsure of rebuilding or walking away

Unsure of calling or not calling,

Unsure and craving surety in this unsure life

-wadeacross

Go away

go away hurt

go away fear

go away pain

go away anxiety

don’t come near

enough is enough

you come and you stay

then i struggle everyday

sleepless, sad nights

followed by gloomy days

increased heartbeat

stressed, drawn listless face

dark circles around my eyes

i don’t want you in my life

go away anxiety

go away pain

go away fear

go away hurt

-wadeacross

Uncertainty and Me

Uncertainty – A boon or a bane

Some revel in it and some detest it

Unsurmountable anxiety

Unclear future with no control

This funny feeling in my tummy

How will it go away

Let it all flow.. Breathe

Come back to now.. Inhale

Accept that you can’t control … Exhale

Oh! Uncertainty… we are not friends

Never Ending Anxiety – Vent Out

Some days she’s a warrior

Some days she’s a broken mess.

Most days, she’s a bit of both.

But every day she’s there.

Standing. Fighting. Trying

-Unknown

I read this quote on Facebook and have read it many times. What comes up for me is that I am just a broken mess on all of the days. My anxiety is there as a constant ebb in my body. My fear of the unknown and uncertain future just has a way to appear some time or the other. It just doesn’t go away.

Journal, writing, therapy, reading, meditating, distracting – I have tried it all. Nothing works. Smiles are still miles away. The trauma of the past few months is internalized so deep that I have a tough time throwing it off. Somewhere it feels as if I am subconsciously resisting.

When I see people around, especially the ones who have hurt me, the ones who want me to make my relationship work, they seem collected. Their life is still so complete even with the imperfections.

Why is it that only my soul feels so empty and tired?
I am standing every day,
I am fighting my own self every day
I am trying every day,
but FEAR and ANXIETY are not going away.

I hate myself for being myself. I can’t find it in me to love me. People I have talked to just seem to have got it.

Why can’t I do it?
My therapist asked me to write things that make me unique. It has been ten days, I can’t think of anything good enough about myself. Everything which comes up seems like it’s already there. Everyone is better than me. I am just a failure.

What could be unique and loveable about someone like me?

I wish there was something unique about me.

Something that I could love completely, wholly, without ifs and buts.

What is the Purpose of Life we Live?

What ifs control my life. The uncertainty of life and future is dragging me down full on. I can feel it in my bones. I feel helpless and lifeless and there are times when I have this feeling of free fall and nothingness.  

I am not in control of anything not even my own life. The right and wrong, what I can and can’t do being mom, daughter, wife and daughter in law entangle me.

I try to engage in work, social outing, calls, art, a new course but I feel I am not fully there, a background noise is always present and brings with it the anxiety.

What is the purpose of living?

Why can’t I feel happiness? Why whatever I do seem so superficial? Am I not meant for this world and life? Do I have the strength to face the turbulence of life? No..

Where is that eternal peace everyone talks about? Where is that clarity of purpose?

Am I the only one struggling through this? Where is my tribe of belonging? Why dont I feel complete and sufficiency in being one person army?

No self-help books, quotes, conversations are able to help me.  Maybe I am not fit for this world, I can’t make anyone around me happy and neither am I at peace.

Last week I wrote about my fascination with Death and the Peace it bring with it, I wish anyone could tell me that is it really that?

Life needs to be lived and not just sustained. How do we do that?  When our terms and ways are bound by the entanglements and choices we made in past.

I fervently pray and hope I am able to find answers to my questions and my purpose of living this life. These cobwebs in my head need to go away and a clarity needs emerge.