Tag: december

Born on Christmas

just like that, the sun came up
it was morning of the day i was born

completing 43 years in this world
so many years of breathing and being

some envy me, some say i am privileged,
as i was born on the Christmas day

happy that i was surrounded by love
grateful for all the wishes which come my way

sad as the one call and wish i wanted
didn’t come and i waited all day

with so festivities and cheer all around
never got a chance to hide and disappear

with so many calls and wishes
felt obligated to be happy and gay

not that the gratitude isn’t there
just wanted something which wasn’t clear

the desire to run away was paramount
didn’t know what I was seeking in that jaunt

the fluidity of life scares me most
an anchor is probably what i need

if the pain and hurt are the way of life
there is no joy in celebrating my born day

if i can’t have the ones i want and love
what’s the fun in living another year

with what has been happening in the past
what if i spend another year losing more

can there be any way to pause this all
for me to rewind and relive and reset

such random were the thoughts and reflections
which haunted me on the day i turned 43

where my being was doing the mechanics
my heart and soul were sitting in apprehension

-wadeacross

Come find me

when you have untangled yourself from your present 

and you are ready to open your heart to us fully

when our memories are a wonder to you

not something to be shunned painfully

when you feel the need for us

not just out of habit, but as a missing part

when your mind is ready to listen

not just judge me, but embrace with empathy

when your words are ready to express love

not just say, but live each feeling truly

that day, that moment, come find me

-w

Gratitude

gratitude towards life. for making it through a year. breathing. smiling. being at a stage where i am strong enough to stand on my own two feet. there are days when i feel immersed in a deep, dark hole. gratitude toward those hands and hearts that hold me together. who have helped me, knowingly or unknowingly. i am thankful for the ray of light that appears mystically in my life. in the form of the bell, which pulled me out of stance as i stood on the banks of the river. ready to take the plunge. thank you, universe, for everything. whether it’s good or bad. i stand here, four days away from my 43rd birthday, deeply anxious about the future but grateful.

December Festive days

here it is
that time of year
festive, joyous and cheery

one year hence
life is seemingly okay
getting back on track

chasms are filling
maybe a little slow 
wounds have been deep

twisted are these ways
meandering us via troughs
dishing us days which are low 

wanting us to move on
as if nothing happened
forgetting that hard-hitting storm

-wadeacross

Living with a Toxic Parent

My relationship with my father is extremely volatile. He is someone who can trigger me in an instant. His style of communication is very toxic and passive-aggressive, with immediate memory loss of what he said.

We end up fighting with each other and using horrible slang whenever we communicate, even about trivial matters.The moment he realises I am badly affected, he will change his tune, pretend to be mellow, and play the age card.

This morning, I got into a similar conflict with him. Every time this happens, I experience a deeper sense of hurt and pain and detachment from him. My anger and resentment increase, and I am more vicious.

I wonder what I have done to deserve this kind of treatment from him. Why can’t he just be human and show up with love and care and not anger and barbs? I don’t expect anything from him anymore, and from what I feel right now, he has stopped mattering.

As I sit with today’s trauma, tears have been flowing uncontrollably since the morning. I know when I go home, my father will try to be extra sweet, satisfied, and content with his victory. My mom, looking at me with hope in her eyes, wanting me to behave as if nothing had happened.

My biggest regret is that all this hurts my mom. She gets deeply impacted, and I can’t tolerate that. My mother is my pillar of strength, love, and care. As she ages, I live in fear of losing her. I told her today that I will not live a day without her, and the day God decides to take her away from me, I am going with her.

December – My Birthday Month

The last month of the year is here. Incidentally, it is also my birthday month, which brings with it mixed emotions. a sense of accomplishment for surviving 11 months and apprehension at the same time about what the coming new year will bring along with it and whether I will be ready to live it.

I was in a terrible place a year ago and was solely concerned about how I was going to make it. Even the smallest thought of who, where, and what I was doing in 2021 at this time gives me chills. I’m incredibly grateful to the universe. It surrounded me with people, events, and situations that supported me in reconstructing myself and leading me to where I am today and

I can laugh without bursting into tears,

I can function without trauma hitting me deep,

I can breathe deep without gasping,

I can sleep without nightmares

I can hope that maybe things will fall in place

This December, in addition to celebrating, hanging out with friends, and having fun, I hope to take some time to pause, reflect, rejoice, and be grateful for the good or not-so-good things that happened.

Make an effort to write something here, my safest place in this world, every day this month.

I also reaffirm that I will prioritize myself and not give up on rebuilding myself in whatever situation.

And that will be my birthday present to myself.

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