December – My Birthday Month

The last month of the year is here. Incidentally, it is also my birthday month, which brings with it mixed emotions. a sense of accomplishment for surviving 11 months and apprehension at the same time about what the coming new year will bring along with it and whether I will be ready to live it.

I was in a terrible place a year ago and was solely concerned about how I was going to make it. Even the smallest thought of who, where, and what I was doing in 2021 at this time gives me chills. I’m incredibly grateful to the universe. It surrounded me with people, events, and situations that supported me in reconstructing myself and leading me to where I am today and

I can laugh without bursting into tears,

I can function without trauma hitting me deep,

I can breathe deep without gasping,

I can sleep without nightmares

I can hope that maybe things will fall in place

This December, in addition to celebrating, hanging out with friends, and having fun, I hope to take some time to pause, reflect, rejoice, and be grateful for the good or not-so-good things that happened.

Make an effort to write something here, my safest place in this world, every day this month.

I also reaffirm that I will prioritize myself and not give up on rebuilding myself in whatever situation.

And that will be my birthday present to myself.

The Cage

There are so many conditions at every step of my way. I give up on the ones that require me to jump through loops to break the pattern because my energy is non-existent by the time I am halfway through.

This cage where I am living looks like a palace from the outside, with everything so hunky-dory that people get envious of my life. Very few understand what all I give up and sacrifice, how suffocated I feel, how much of an effort it is to pretend.

The number of people I have to give an explanation to or seek permission from (mostly subtle) is no joke. Guilt and fear are emotions that drive me all the time these days. Whenever I want to prioritise my needs, I am made to feel selfish and less of a wife, mother or daughter.I am told to give up things and friendships that give me joy to maintain peace, and that is the right thing to do. 

Every day I tell myself, this too shall pass, there is hope and light, and maybe my life has the potential to get better, for me to live free and fearless.

-wadeacross
(Day 2 of 731)