December – My Birthday Month

The last month of the year is here. Incidentally, it is also my birthday month, which brings with it mixed emotions. a sense of accomplishment for surviving 11 months and apprehension at the same time about what the coming new year will bring along with it and whether I will be ready to live it.

I was in a terrible place a year ago and was solely concerned about how I was going to make it. Even the smallest thought of who, where, and what I was doing in 2021 at this time gives me chills. I’m incredibly grateful to the universe. It surrounded me with people, events, and situations that supported me in reconstructing myself and leading me to where I am today and

I can laugh without bursting into tears,

I can function without trauma hitting me deep,

I can breathe deep without gasping,

I can sleep without nightmares

I can hope that maybe things will fall in place

This December, in addition to celebrating, hanging out with friends, and having fun, I hope to take some time to pause, reflect, rejoice, and be grateful for the good or not-so-good things that happened.

Make an effort to write something here, my safest place in this world, every day this month.

I also reaffirm that I will prioritize myself and not give up on rebuilding myself in whatever situation.

And that will be my birthday present to myself.

Covid Isolation

Mid way through the first month of 2022, Covid decided to pay me a visit. Even after 2 doses of vaccination, I couldn’t escape it. People around me got kissed by Omicron, but I never do anything half-way.

A kiss leaves too much to imagination, so I had to experience the full blown version of it.

• Excruciating pain in the limbs and back, screaming through the night with it.
• High fever which even multiple doses of Dolo-650 (the supposed magic pill) couldn’t ease
• Ulcers through the mouth till the throat, making it impossible to swallow
• Emotional abuse of all the months surfacing again to add flavour
• Silence and loneliness of the cold winter nights causing emotional meltdown
• Deep rooted resistance to get better, scared and anxious to face everything again

Covid visit is not over yet, I am just half way through it. I don’t want to feel the pain of life. Looks like death isn’t coming to claim me in this round of Covid.

Isolated in this room, I think of all those people who sent me their good wishes, checked in on me, told me to be strong and survive this. My heartfelt gratitude to them.

Maybe will use the rest of the time alone in getting strong mentally to face whatever 2022 has to gift me with in future

-Wade Across

New Year 2022 is Here?

It’s the seventh day of the year 2022. I don’t feel ready to accept this change.

There is so much to write about the last few weeks. Things I want to journal, but my mind is as blank as the New Year. It doesn’t want to recollect or revisit the pain and wounds of 2021.

I will get around to it gradually. Not expressing and writing will make it worse.

Covid mayhem again started in our lives. Fear and uncertainty keep surfacing, I won’t let it consume me this time.

No big plans for the next 12 months. No build up of hope that all will be fine in future.

One a day at a time. Breathe and let go.

-Wade Across

Last Day Dawned Finally

On December 15th, I wrote a post Beginning of the End of Year . Today morning on 31st December 2021, before this year ends, I wanted to check-in on my journey.

I hit a new low in last fifteen days. They started on a abusive note. I disconnected and tried to heal, to laugh, to be me and I was successful too. But as soon as I connected back and got triggered, I sunk lower than ever.

Shame, fear, guilt have been eating into me. I became the worst possible version of me. I did things and reacted in ways I never thought I could. I had promised myself in my lone time that I wouldn’t react or engage. I failed.

I got a pearl of wisdom from my 15 year old. He said, “Mum,when I play a video game, and I am sure I have all handled and I know all the tricks to win, is the time I fail miserably. But, after that I don’t. You failed yourself this time when you had promised yourself you won’t react this way. I know you won’t fail here on. Please forgive yourself.”

My path is as unclear as it was six months ago. The road ahead doesn’t seem like a bed of roses either. But I am determined that 2022 will see a 2.0.22 version of me

As 2021 breathes its last few breaths, I affirm and promise myself

I will be a better, stronger version of me
I will do my best for my kids,
I will stand tall and proud,
I will forgive and heal,
I will live for myself,
I will live in gratitude,
I will rebuild myself,
I will continue to fight for respect,
I will dance free,
I will love, and love myself unconditionally

Wishing all A Very Happy 2022