Its good to be back

The last 2 months have been such a roller coaster, with every day bringing up a new emotion and a new challenge. Not that my life isn’t usually that, but this time it involved physical work with no time and space to get down to write.

Managing without expressing what I was feeling was a journey of a different kind. I didn’t even have the time to speak to my therapist and I missed her. Somehow, all I have from the last two months are a few unfinished notes on my phone, a few sentences here and there, which probably won’t even make sense now.

The entire month of festivals here was accompanied by travelling to meet family, a series of meetups, falling sick with tonsilitis, along with the emotional trauma of losing out financially due to some miscommunication from the human resources in my company, and eventually saying goodbye to that toxic and passive-aggressive manager and organisation and starting a new chapter in my career.

I think all the happenings of the last two months will come up gradually as and when I write here. I am just glad to be back and to be able to write and to have some sort of sanity back in my life. Fingers crossed.

-wadeacross

When in doubt, choose joy

I had a total meltdown today. The ball of uncertainty, loneliness, hurt and pain kept playing football in my body and tears just continued to roll down my face with no pause. I don’t know why I am so entangled and can’t seem to find a way out. The slowness of it all is hurting me. I have no patience with myself and it messes with me.

In order to distract myself, I started watching Chesapeake Shore. One of the characters, Sarah, is struggling. She is again pregnant after having a miscarriage earlier. Her fear of losing this baby again is real; she is scared and hence unable to share this good news with friends and family. However, one of her sisters-in-law, Abby, is aware of her pregnant status. Abby and Sarah were having a talk, and Abby empathised with Sarah and suggested, “When in doubt, choose joy.”

Somehow, this stuck in my brain. I kept thinking about what makes me choose joy, what makes me want to be this miserable, what makes me crave one thing which I can’t have or control.

I don’t want to be unhappy and this miserable and emotionally entangled with people. I want to open my wings and fly free in the open skies, feeling the breeze on my skin and experiencing joy to the fullest.

Universe, please send me some positive vibes and the courage to choose joy every single day!

Reading since early years

Philosophy teaches us and unsettles us from what we already know. Its works from taking it from familiar known setting to making it strange. And once familiar turns strange, it’s never quite the same again. Self-knowledge is like lost innocence, however unsettling you find it, it can’t be unthought or unknown.

Michael Sandel

Something tickled in my head when I watched Michael Sandel express this idea in a video. Why do I know so much?

I’ve read anything and everything since I was a young child. Some books capture human emotions so well that I can still remember going through them. My favourite authors are Shivani and Prem Chand, who write in Hindi, as well as Ayn Rand, W. Somerset Maugham, Danielle Steel, Jeffery Archer, and Eric Sehgal. I was a huge fan of Mills and Boons and still am. It makes perfect sense why romance is so important to me.

As per Michael Sandel, philosophy makes us question what we already believe is true and simply reveals a universe of contradictions. What we have been taught to see as right or wrong is suddenly in flux, and the same is true of our minds. Reading increased my self-awareness, and everything I read, learned, and ingested—the taboo, the twisted, the dark, and the light—became a part of me.

The naivety crumbled as I journeyed, and my curiosity to learn more motivated me to want to put what I had discovered into action. This resulted in a thought process that was difficult for society to accept, and I was constantly viewed as a rebel.

I am subconsciously aware of a lot; the way society is changing, the metamorphosis that is taking place, but to go deeper and experience the much darker side of humanity and then build empathy or wonder why anyone does what they do…I am not ready.

How I wish today that my mind and heart hadn’t expanded in this unconventional way.

These days, my quest is to uncomplicate my life and be at peace with whatever I have, know, and feel. Find joy in the mundane and cope and heal after the catharsis of last year.

Someday, soon I will get back to heavy reading and delve into intellectual discussions and story telling and all that which I started to love passionately.

-wadeacross (23 day/731)

I am Happy

I have been off journaling for the last ten days. There was so much happening; all the moving parts in my life were moving. My head was whirling with the action around me.

Did I enjoy it? Oh!Yes.

I met my childhood friend after two years. Another school friend was visiting from the US. I spent an afternoon with her. I travelled to help someone close to my family for a week. I shopped for friends and family, ate delicious food, and got so much attention and praise from everyone. It was freakingly awesome.

My extra energy was channelled. I was caring for my family and visiting a city that I have always loved. I wasn’t watched. My choices were my own. My time was mine to spend or waste. I smiled and laughed openly without those pairs of eyes disapproving my every action.

And now I am super excited (a little anxious too) about travelling again over the weekend to attend a dance workshop and perform with the group! Another step in me being a friend to myself. 

I am okay. There is some undefined space, but I don’t want to give any more energy or thought to it.

It could be that a corner of my heart healed, or maybe I accepted myself as different.

Whatever it is, I have a happy feeling today and I want to revel in it. It’s been so long since I felt this way. Thank you, Universe, for bringing me this time and opportunity.

Touch wood!

Stamp Your Feet

stamp, stamp, stamp your feet
stamping is fun
noisier the better
sign of innocence

stamp, stamp, stamp your feet
stamping on the way out
banging the door
sign of anger and discontentment

stamp, stamp, stamp your feet
stamping on the forehead
bright red bindi and sindoor
sign of ownership and authority

stamp, stamp, stamp your feet
stamping desire to find myself
am i still me
sign of a pending journey

-wadeacross

This Time its my Work

The mayhem of the last year in my personal life wasn’t enough. It has just about reached some sort of a steady state of calm and now all the drama has turned towards my professional life.

I am not an ambitious woman, but I love and enjoy my work life most of the time. Corporate gives me some sort of a kick.My identity, financial independence, my standing and how my personality has been shaped over the last many years are largely because of my profession and career. 

As a corporate female leader in the tech industry, I have faced numerous challenges. But I always believed in being fair, upfront, and clear about my work and expected the same in return from people I reported to or who reported to me.

This year, our yearly performance ratings were shared, and I didn’t receive mine, which was a bit of a surprise for me. I checked with the manager and human resource department, and both had no clarity on the situation as the person in charge was on leave.

I decided to have a face-to-face discussion with my manager, and he assured me in not so many words that my performance rating is good. He didn’t have any other news. Something wasn’t sitting right with me. I prodded and nudged but was greeted with the same off-hardish non-committal response.

No one from my organisation has given me clarity and it’s a fuck all position to be in. My mind is continuously going in a loop. The worst has already been imagined. Anxiety is spiking up again and again with my inability to focus on anything else.

I know this is out of my control. Accepting and moving on is my best bet, but in all fairness, I would have appreciated a hint or two as to what was coming up. The false assurance which I continued to get is leaving a very bad taste in my mouth and is bringing up all my past trust issues.

Clarity is what is needed, but I am sceptical as well. What will it be? continuation or termination. Will I get time to look for a new job or be asked to leave immediately?

When I look for a new job, I don’t want to be in a position of NEED but of WANT. Making a compromise out of fear of losing an opportunity is my biggest fear. I continue to feel I don’t deserve everything because I am a woman. Even after years of fighting my way up, I don’t see what value I bring to the table. Asking for a raise, or a job, or a promotion comes with many rounds of internal conflict.

I feel it’s about time I was operating from a position of power and not made to feel less of myself. 

Wish me luck, Universe!

A Complicated Sunday Morning

This Sunday, I intentionally didn’t plan anything. I wanted to be at home and paint or just sleep or probably do nothing. But, life never goes as planned.

Sunday morning dawned with a 6:15 am alarm to drop my daughter off at school as there was a special Sunday class. I got ready in a rush as we had to reach school by 8:00 and it was a one-hour drive. Luckily, there was no traffic on the roads.

While driving, I felt my eyes grow heavy. The tiredness of the previous day was showing its presence. Driving seemed like a daunting task. All I wanted was to drop her, go to a coffee shop and gulp tonnes of coffee, and work for a while, as I had 2 hours at my hand.

My “do nothing” Sunday was already spoiled, and I decided to finish my pending work.

I halted the car outside school and said bye to her.

The next thing I know, my phone is ringing. Seeing the time, I realised it was 9:30 am. Almost one and a half hours had passed.

I was disoriented and puzzled.

Why wasn’t I at the coffee shop as I had planned and what was I still doing in the car?

The car seat was reclined, I was sweating profusely, and my hair was all messed up. But my eyes were not tired, and my body felt cramped but rested.

Then it dawned on me that I had fallen asleep.

The car was parked on the roadside, under the sun, with no fan and no airconditioning. Unaware of anything and everything around me, I had slept.

Pure, simple, uncomplicated bliss – Sleep

Toast to Friendship

Dimming heat of Sun
Orangish hue around it
A clear view from the window

Three friends sitting in silence
Absorbing the stories shared
Teary eyes saying the unsaid

Twenty five years had gone by
Since they met the first time
Young girls of seventeen

Gratitude for still being together
Holding space for each other
Non judgmental, full of love

Faith, belief and trust
Come what may, this bond will survive
A toast to friendship for eternity

-wadeacross

Big Wide Window

“Wake up, sleepy head.” My husband calls out. It was a school day, and lazing in bed wasn’t an option today. Bright rays poured through my window, nudging me, seeking ways to unseat me. 

Screeching brakes, the bus honking loudly. The sounds of the morning rush filtered into my room through the big, wide window.

Just then, from right across the street, I heard her voice. She was calling her daughter to hurry up. The gate creaked open, followed by hurried footsteps. It went quiet again.

I struggle as the memories from the previous night come rushing back.

Loud, raised voices from the window across the road. It looked like he didn’t like the dinner she had cooked. He was shouting that the daal and the sabzi were tasteless. She was incapable of doing anything right. All their troubles were because of the kind of incompetent woman she is.

“Thadak,” the sound of a slap, a loud cry. I called out from my window, “Is everything all right, Prabha?” But there was no reply.

Bang! That window was shut forcefully.

I continued to look there, hoping to catch a sign that all was okay.

The light was still on and there were shadows. He was pulling her, dragging her to the room. She struggled initially, but then gave up.

The curtains were drawn. I could see no more.

The silence that followed was deafening

Celebrating Women – Favorite Quotes

This is my 50th post on this blog. I wanted this to be about something which has been meaningful in my journey. The quotes mentioned below are from my favorite collection. They have such a deep meaning and give so much strength to face life. Makes me feel I am not alone and there are so many wonderful women out there going through so much. Immense gratitude and wonderment to womanhood.

“We are diamonds in the rough
Through the thrust and toil, we come out strong
We are the breath of the earth,
Our wombs tell of humanity’s birth
We are seeds splattered on putrid soils
Still we sprout, through every storm
We are not here to survive,
We are here to live…
Inward and outward
In the incandescence of our existence
Yes, our voices may sometimes be broken
But our spirit remains indestructible.
We are women, unapologetically!”

Chinonye J. Chidolue

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“A woman like you, how do we begin to describe you? how do we describe the strength of the eagle, when it rides against the wind and soars? how do we describe the ocean without paying homage to its depth? tell me, how do we begin to describe a woman like you?”

Yemeece