Toxic Workplace

I haven’t been able to write for a week, and that has made me edgy and ready to burst. There were these unexpressed emotions and thoughts that kept pulling me in different directions, making it tough to function.

Multiple things have been happening since March started, but the biggest impact has been the slide down on my work front. I have always sought solace in my work. It is where I am just me, a techie and nerdy woman who codes and revels in the high it brings. I am not identified as a mom, wife, lover, daughter, or any other role I play in other spheres of life.

I am not a very ambitious person, but I enjoy being a working woman. Over the years, I have made peace with the fact that even if I am learning slowly or not climbing the heights of the professional world, I am not stagnant. I have made my mark in some form or another, even if that ecosystem is a small one.

I recently moved jobs and was pretty excited about working for a startup, even though it meant long work hours and more commute time. But over the past few weeks, I have realized the leadership here has a very high need to control and dictate terms, leaving very little breathing space for those who work here. It is becoming insanely toxic, where we just come and spend time living in fear and apprehension of the mood swings of the CEO.

With the job market where it is at the moment, there aren’t many options but to find a way to deal with this toxicity. I don’t crumble under the pressure until I find a new job. The fear of being at home, not making money, and being independent, even if for a short time, is making me restless, anxious, and suffocated.

Is a healthy workplace still a luxury and not a necessity even in these times?

How much effort does it take for anyone to be humane and treat others with empathy and an open heart?

When we spend a good 12 hours at work, it becomes as essential a part of our life as our home. If there is no peace, respect, or trust there, it becomes next to impossible to give your 100%. Each one of us has lives that have multiple touch points that may or may not be good and positive. At the end of the day, an employer or a leader who leads from the heart and genuinely cares about and treats people with respect is the one we all want to work for and won’t mind going the extra mile when needed.

Its good to be back

The last 2 months have been such a roller coaster, with every day bringing up a new emotion and a new challenge. Not that my life isn’t usually that, but this time it involved physical work with no time and space to get down to write.

Managing without expressing what I was feeling was a journey of a different kind. I didn’t even have the time to speak to my therapist and I missed her. Somehow, all I have from the last two months are a few unfinished notes on my phone, a few sentences here and there, which probably won’t even make sense now.

The entire month of festivals here was accompanied by travelling to meet family, a series of meetups, falling sick with tonsilitis, along with the emotional trauma of losing out financially due to some miscommunication from the human resources in my company, and eventually saying goodbye to that toxic and passive-aggressive manager and organisation and starting a new chapter in my career.

I think all the happenings of the last two months will come up gradually as and when I write here. I am just glad to be back and to be able to write and to have some sort of sanity back in my life. Fingers crossed.

-wadeacross

This Time its my Work

The mayhem of the last year in my personal life wasn’t enough. It has just about reached some sort of a steady state of calm and now all the drama has turned towards my professional life.

I am not an ambitious woman, but I love and enjoy my work life most of the time. Corporate gives me some sort of a kick.My identity, financial independence, my standing and how my personality has been shaped over the last many years are largely because of my profession and career. 

As a corporate female leader in the tech industry, I have faced numerous challenges. But I always believed in being fair, upfront, and clear about my work and expected the same in return from people I reported to or who reported to me.

This year, our yearly performance ratings were shared, and I didn’t receive mine, which was a bit of a surprise for me. I checked with the manager and human resource department, and both had no clarity on the situation as the person in charge was on leave.

I decided to have a face-to-face discussion with my manager, and he assured me in not so many words that my performance rating is good. He didn’t have any other news. Something wasn’t sitting right with me. I prodded and nudged but was greeted with the same off-hardish non-committal response.

No one from my organisation has given me clarity and it’s a fuck all position to be in. My mind is continuously going in a loop. The worst has already been imagined. Anxiety is spiking up again and again with my inability to focus on anything else.

I know this is out of my control. Accepting and moving on is my best bet, but in all fairness, I would have appreciated a hint or two as to what was coming up. The false assurance which I continued to get is leaving a very bad taste in my mouth and is bringing up all my past trust issues.

Clarity is what is needed, but I am sceptical as well. What will it be? continuation or termination. Will I get time to look for a new job or be asked to leave immediately?

When I look for a new job, I don’t want to be in a position of NEED but of WANT. Making a compromise out of fear of losing an opportunity is my biggest fear. I continue to feel I don’t deserve everything because I am a woman. Even after years of fighting my way up, I don’t see what value I bring to the table. Asking for a raise, or a job, or a promotion comes with many rounds of internal conflict.

I feel it’s about time I was operating from a position of power and not made to feel less of myself. 

Wish me luck, Universe!