Rebuilding Myself

Everything was haywire and all over the place at my end. My work was changing; there were huge stressful situations, and among all that, I felt a huge gap between us. My calls went unanswered, and messages were ignored. I tried discussing; I even fought, reasoned, and argued, but there was no change.

I was again labelled as needy, having many expectations, always fighting, and obviously an unnecessary appendage. This was so you—a behavior pattern when there is a new love interest in your life.

I felt pain, hurt, and anger, but this time I didn’t want to fall apart because of you and cause a catharsis. I couldn’t speak to my therapist either, not by choice but by chance. I deflected and distracted myself constantly. All the chaos and the activity around me helped. At the end of the day, I was so tired that I didn’t feel a thing, and I crashed.

From talking to friends, falling ill, getting involved in family, enjoying my time alone, connecting with new people, and reaffirming every day that I will not be vulnerable anymore and that I will not lose myself in the so-called feeling of love, I put pieces of myself back together.

Fifteen days ago, there was a sudden expression of love and a morning poetic message in my inbox. It was a pleasant surprise, and I kind of liked it too. I enjoyed reconnecting with you, only to discover the day before that you had been lying to me all this time and hiding behind the facade of a crazy work schedule and travel.

I tried to control my anger and reaction, but it was hard. We ended up arguing and fighting last evening. As usual, I was the one to blame for you not being honest with me, as you didn’t feel safe enough to share the truth; I was the one shouting and being unreasonable.

You accepted that you fucked up, apologized, and wanted me to forgive you. You don’t want to lose me; you want me in your life; that’s what you said, right? self-centered to the core.

I asked you yesterday: didn’t our love deserve a chance to be rebuilt? You said it did. Past tense, right?

Are you ready to make an effort and rebuild? No answer.

What are you offering and what’s on the table this time? I am the one putting conditions on this and making this a transaction.

As the sun dawned today morning, it also dawned on me that I don’t want to rebuild anything with you. I want to just continue to rebuild myself bit by bit, piece by piece, every day.

I am so grateful that the universe answered my calls for help and softly treaded me on this path without me realizing that one day, when you will fuck up again, I will need this strength to stand my ground and not fall apart.

-wadeacross